I may not own many possessions in this cold, hard world, but one thing I don’t have a shortage of is theories that I pulled from my a**. Why are Asian men hairless? I’ve got a bastardized evolution theory for that. Don’t know how to prioritize? Let me tell you about my pick-2-out-of-3 theory. And, why are there no repeat customers to your magic crib? I’ve got an answer and trust me, it’s not your morning dragon breath.
So here’s my Sunday Morning Theory: Saturday morning girls just want to go home and change and Sunday morning girls usually have brunch plans. So if you want to keep a girl, you just have to convince her that your eggs are better than Penelope’s eggs.
Sexy Cooking Time with M (part 二) Mushroom Crepe Stuffed with Beef/Veggie/Thai Sauce
The finished product. Yes, it looks delicious when you are done, so sit tight. Yes, I ate half of it while I was cooking it…because once you hand it over, you’re not getting any back. (Impress-factor: eating like a man)
Skipping to the fun part – probably unnecessary, but hey if you’re not having fun cooking, you’re not doing it right. (Impress-factor: evenness)
Alright, so first you beat those eggs into yellow oblivion. You do lift, right, bro? And add some color with finely chopped up scallions and mushrooms. (Impress-factor: arm muscles)
Like last night, don’t go too fast in the beginning – turn the heat on medium and let the gooey liquids chill first before turning up the heat to sear the bottom. (Impress-factor: patience)
Flip that over and work the other side too. (Impress-factor: multifaceted-ness)
You didn’t forget to cook each part separately before the inside is just as important as the outside. So stir fry the veggies before inserting into your egg-crepe cocoon. (Impress-factor: the feels? all the feels)
Add some flavor. I used Thai pad thai sauce but you can choose whatever adds to the flavor without taking away from the individuality. (Impress-factor: not bland)
Wrap it, present it, smile it. (Impress-factor: finishing strong)
I don’t know about you, but I don’t like lighting my money on fire and I don’t like paying other people to wipe my butt. In unrelated news, I don’t like overpaying for what I can cook at home.
Sexy Cooking Time with M (part 一) Red Braised Pork Bellies – Hong Shao Rou
This is a Shanghainese specialty. We men cook in Shanghai, among other things. Requires some tenderness, some patience, but most of all, requires lots of soy sauce.
Yes, I cooked that. Yes, you can stay the night.
Step 1: Get some raw pork belly, but not the thin kind – you might have to brave the smell and go to Chinatown for this. Wash it and chop it up into cubes (better than I did) big enough that they can stand up on their own and still fit in your mouth individual. Save the jokes. Leave the fat. Yes, I know. Just trust.
Step 2: I hope you bought some soy sauce in C-town, the dark kind. Douse your cubes until it gets covered 2/3 of the way up. Shanghainese people eat everything sweet, so make it authentic, mix in some sugar. To make it unauthentic, I prefer brown sugar.
How much? That’s the other beauty of Chinese cooking – there are no standard measurements, you do it by taste and experience. So just put enough to see it melt.
Let it sit for a few hours on one side with the fat and then overnight on the side with the meat. At the minimum, do 30 minutes each side.
Step 3: Get your trusty wok and heat it up dry. If you want to be non-Asian you can add some oil, garlic, cloves if you want. But to do it right, just throw in the cubes in and toss around for a few minutes on high – the fat that you didn’t cut off should help here. Then turn it all the way down and pour in a new soy sauce, sugar mixture, cover maybe 1/2 of the way up. Cover the top and go do something else.
I’m not sure how long to cook it, I just check up on it every 10 minutes. Basically, the lower the heat, the longer you can cook it, the better it is. This is the time for your dining companion to contribute some concoctions of her own and you can add in some bamboo, tofu, eggs. Anything that tastes good when salty goes.
Step 4: How do you know it’s done? It’s brown on the outside, it’s tender on the inside, your kitchen smells amazeballs, and it tastes like real meat but not too salty. Again, I kept it simple, but feel free to add embellishments – just add it a bit later in the process so it won’t soak up all the soy sauce-ness.
Finale: Look, like all things in life, there’s a short way to do this (just throw in more soy sauce to get taste salty) and a long way to do this (soak overnight). There’s a fancy way (pressure cooker?) and a cheap way (any frying pan will do). But either way, it’s relatively easy to prepare and clean up. You can pair it with veggies or with wine. Customize to your heart’s content. Best of all, there’s way too much meat for one person to eat, so invite someone over to eat your meat deliciousness with you.
And finally, if it’s good enough for Eddie Huang, it’s good enough for me: